12/24/06
5:00 am
How do you seek for the traces of an old life? When today is but a tragic sequel of the old times and the people you call friends seem to have forgotten your existence and the rest of your life means forcing yourself to engage in surface talks with anyone who would give a damn, suffocating your weary soul.
As i watch my siblings excitedly prepare for the traditional “simbang gabi”, i can’t help but feel a mixture of envy and relief. envy because i know i’ll never be a part of the unquenchable merriness of this season. because until now, two christmas after, i still grieve for losing someone i can never replace, and, relief because at least some of the people i hold dear don’t share the same accursed fate.
The icy breeze mocks at me, adding up to my loneliness and weariness. it’s tragic how one can be so nostalgic right at his very comfort zone, so unlikely it seems, but dreadfully real.
Having nothing else to do, i gaze up aimlessly at the billion gliterring beacons in the early morning sky and try to figure out how i end up like this. it’s a torment knowing that you were great once but only a wraith now. it’s like being in a pitch black cave in the middle of a desert island with no companion but cold stones, earth and haunting memories replaying over and over again in your sore head, with nothing, but the most poignant series of unfortunate events that have sucked the life out of you.
In the midst of my misery, my sister arrived from the mass and grinning teasingly she said “merry christmas kuya!” and i smiled faintly in response because i felt that i could not return the greeting without sinking deeper in sorrow…merry christmas!? …i thought…maybe for some…but for me, it will remain gloomy until the life and the light return to my moribund ego…
well, merry christmas!, at least for some…
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